Greenwich Park, London — Scientists confirmed Tuesday what the internet has quietly suspected for years: Dylan Pageis not human. The 30-foot green figure that emerged from a smoldering park crater wearing a "News Daddy" hoodie was identified via facial recognition in under four seconds — the same amount of time it takes Page to repost a story he clearly did not read.
Helicopters, police, and no fewer than six camera crews descended on the scene immediately, which Page appeared to find deeply validating. Witnesses say he was already smiling before he fully emerged from the crater — a behavior one FBI profiler described as "classic Dylan." Mysteriously pre-installed "ALIENS LANDED" billboards surrounded the perimeter, suggesting Page had been planning this reveal longer than any of his actual news segments.
When asked why he had concealed his true form for so long, Page allegedly pointed at a bystander's sign that read "Welcome to Earth?" and said, quote, "bro the engagement on this is gonna be crazy." NASA has declined to comment. The Pentagon said the incident was "embarrassing for everyone involved, including us." Page uploaded a 14-second clip of the crater with no context. It has 4.2 million views. Developing story.
Source: On My Mama.
